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What’s Age Got To Do With It?
By Tricia Ferdinand
Published: March 11, 2010
What I’m about to say is probably a bit controversial. It can certainly be contested, and I can most likely be proven wrong, but I feel inclined to say it anyway: we should date people our own age. Now before you get all up in arms, dear reader, let me provide some context for my statement. In my 26 years on this earth, I have dated a number of men of different ages and ethnicities. I do not discriminate based on a superficial level of qualifications. I wait until I get to know people before I judge them (and then feel no guilt while doing so). I didn’t start out feeling this way, but life and experiences have a way of altering our beliefs.
When I met Alexander * I was relatively young. I was in my third year at my university and worked part-time in the same place he did, though he worked there full time. He was at least five years older than I was, and while he was always friendly and inquired about my weekends, I never felt comfortable enough to get closer to him. Later on, after I left that job we remained friends, and soon started having lengthy conversations. He thought I was mature for my age, I thought he was intelligent and wonderful to talk to. We went out once or twice after I had broken up with my ex (who was closer to my age) but eventually I decided that I did not want to pursue anything further with him. In some ways we were very different (he was Caucasian, didn’t want children and an atheist), but I think it was the age difference more than anything else that made a difference. His point of views and his take on certain aspects of life were, understandably, based on his life experiences and, quite frankly his age. Personality was a factor, yes, but the truth of the matter is that the extent of who we are is a combination of our intrinsic natures, as well as the environments, the situations, the place and certainly the time we’re in.
Jeffrey* and I met at a barbecue one summer. I knew very little people there, and found him willing to strike up a conversation. After a few of the obligatory ‘Nice to meet you’ remarks we started talking about school and where we worked respectively. I had just gotten my Masters degree and was waiting to move to Indiana where I had gotten into a PhD program. He had recently gotten his Bachelors of Science and was in the process of applying for his Masters. He was about three years my junior. We continued to chat, and before I left he got my number. We went out a few times, but again I found myself questioning my decision. He was intelligent and funny, but much of his life experiences were based on his personality, his family life (his family originated from Sierra Leone), as well as his age and his status in life. He alternated being over-confident and unsure of himself on a regular basis, and at times appeared terribly immature. I was convinced that if he had acquired some more experience with certain events in life, if he felt more at home and comfortable with himself, the relationship could potentially have gone a little differently.
Before I continue, I will venture to undermine my own argument by adding that age does not necessarily correlate with personality, with behavior and with one’s predilections to do and say certain things. The truth is that maturity is often independent of one’s chronological age. Furthermore, compatibility issues often have deeper underlying issues; after all a person is the sum of many things and experiences which may or may not have anything to do with how long they have been alive on this earth. I do believe, however, that a certain amount of wisdom comes from experiencing things, experiencing life for yourself firsthand. The more one sees and does, the more one learns. Naturally, the older a person is the more opportunity they have to experience things, to live life, to gain wisdom. So perhaps what I’m referring to here is more along the lines of one’s mental age rather than one’s physical age.
The moral of the story is, whether you’re looking for the love of your life or you are just casually dating, try to find someone who is mentally your age regardless of physical age, who can understand you as much as you understand them, who can relate to your dreams and aspirations and who can support you the way you need to be supported. Otherwise you may be faced with a situation in which the person you are with is either mentally ahead of you or behind you, and neither is an ideal situation.
*Names have been altered
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