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Dr. Argie Allen
Relationship Expert and Media Personality Talks Obaasema
Published: May 22, 2010
On March 20, 2010, Dr. Argie Allen, a relationship and family therapist hosted an empowerment seminar in Philadelphia entitled, “Dare to be Lovely.” The objective of the workshop was to help each attendant reclaim the authentic beauty within her by tapping into the essence of how powerful she truly is as a woman. This authentic beauty and the goal to connect with her epitomize Obaasema. Because of this, Obaasema editor-in-chief, Linda Annan, followed up with Dr. Allen to delve into some questions we thought you might want answers to.
L.A.: At the seminar, you talked about women reclaiming themselves. What do you say about the woman who thinks it’s selfish to have a “me” time with herself?
A.A: What I will say is that we have been indoctrinated to believe as women that we have to be to give out all the time. We’re the matriarchs, we’re the nurturers, we’re the caretakers and often times we’ve gotten a mixed message that in order to honor our families, our loved ones, our friends, that this is the best way or is the only way. And I will say it is neither. It is not the best or the only way and in order to really give your best to others you’ve got to first preserve you. So I don’t call it being selfish. I will tell women that it should be called ‘self-preservation.’ It’s sort of taking the word ‘self,’ the root word, and then putting another tag on it so that it’s not a negative connotation but something that’s positive that not only feeds the person, but it has the potential to feed others, because you’re preserved in a healthy way if you’re taking care of you, maintaining yourself first. Not just with finances but paying yourself with attention and nurture, and love and empathy, and time and passion. Then you’re able to distribute the residual that you have to others in a much healthier way. Versus what we think, which is the opposite way, that if we’re being outwardly caring to everyone else, then that’s the staple of what it means to be a woman, to care-take. So we believe that. And yet what really is going on is that we’re giving the least of us, not the best of us. Because we’re so spread out and it doesn’t really honor that which we were designed for.
L.A.: Hmm there’s another side to this. What do you say to the woman who is a believer and rationalizes by saying, “Well, Christ was outwardly focused; he cared for people and he was all about people.” How does she reconcile the side of her that wants to emulate this type of giving and not be so self-absorbed and the side that needs to take care of herself?
A.A.: It’s a bit of a juggling act and I do think that with those persons who are believers who would look at some biblical principles that God has set for us, those persons will say “ok well Jesus says we’re supposed to go out, we’re supposed to give to people, we’re supposed to care about the least of us because he said “to give to the least of us is to give to me.” And so it’s one paradigm. But I also look at the fact that Jesus also went out to be by himself and to meditate and to talk to God and to really regroup. He would not have been able to be amongst the people in the way that he was had he not gone into his place of solitude and really restore himself. So that’s how I reconcile that.
L.A.: At the seminar you talked about finding ourselves. Will you say it may be impossible to find ourselves without finding that authentic self or will you say it is the same thing? Is finding yourself the same as finding your authentic self? How do you define both?
A.A.: Well, yeah, I will say that it’s all the same, although the reality of it is that one could potentially tell themselves that they are searching for themselves and not really go deep enough to explore that authentic being that dwells within them. And so it can be one in the same or it can be separate and apart where we’re sort of saying, “Yeah, this is who I am.” So an example might be, “I just tell people how it really is and people say I’m mean but this is just who I am, they’re just gonna have to accept it.” And so I say this to myself, “Is it who you are or who the world has made you?” Because then it becomes a question of nature versus nurture. And so throughout the experiences that you’ve had, has this been what has emerged? The person who’s like a turtle in some ways. They’re soft and passionate on the inside but have this hard shell on the outside that doesn’t really allow the world to really see them. I think we come into this world as intimate, loving, passionate and compassionate human beings and then the world shifts us to some place outside of the core of who we are. So finding that authentic self is almost like circling back around and reclaiming that which we were called here to do and to be.
L.A.: How would you say a person can go about finding that authentic self or getting in touch with that authentic self?
A.A.: I think a number of different ways, there’s probably no cookie cutter way because we’re all unique individual beings. But I do think that prayer, if you’re a spiritual person, being able to connect with that which is outside of the flesh and that which is really at the core. So that we’re praying for discernment, we’re praying for guidance, we’re praying for God to lead us or direct us to that very sacred place, that authentic self that was designed to be here in the first place and that which sort of in some ways the world and the messages and the ways in which man has created movement away from that, that allows us to come back to. So I would suggest starting with prayer and now this is the hard part, being still enough and obedient enough to really hear the voice of God. And for those persons who may be non-believers to hear whatever voice they feel is connected to their spirituality, because we’re all spiritual beings, in order to lead you to that very special and unique core.
L.A.: Speaking of voices and leading. What do you think is the best way to approach things when you feel that you have a calling to go in a certain direction, in any area of your life, but receive opposition from outside sources?
A.A.: I would say you need to be very prayerful and ask God to lead you to the persons that will honor this information. And not just honor it by agreeing, maybe honoring by being passionate or giving you other ways to think about it or being interested in what you’re doing. And then also recognize your audience. Just because you have friends or family who can’t be available to you in the ways that you would like them to be, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t caring for you. Sometimes it just means they’re not able to be there for you in that way and so knowing your audience then allows you to manage your information in a healthy way. Because I do not believe that all information is for everybody. I do not believe that all dreams are to be shared with everyone. And I think and believe that there are only a few people in our core circle that are meant to walk a part of development of our dreams and thoughts and ideas and our purpose.
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