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Recognizing the Foe in the Friend: Toxic Friendships and Why They Hurt
By Tiffany Hall
Having a good friend is like feeling at home all the time, because whenever you feel out of place, you can seek refuge where things are familiar and comfortable. My friend and I had been inseparable since our freshmen year of high school. We ended up attending the same college, rooming together, and even working the same part-time job. According to many people, our friendship was more successful than most marriages. But while the duration of it appeared to be a reflection of its strength, the relationship gradually began to deteriorate.
It started with the subtle put-downs and snide remarks she would make if I talked about acing an exam or gushed about how well my new relationship was going. However, instead of confronting her about the behavior, I silently began to build up some resentment. I was afraid that I would somehow destroy the friendship if I spoke up. But I realized that not only was I hurting us, I was hurting myself.
Like freelance journalist and author, Florence Isaacs advises in his book Toxic Friends True Friends: How Your Friendships Could Make or Break Your Health, Happiness, Family, and Career, it is unhealthy to allow such irritations to go unspoken about.
“If something your friend has said or done bothers you, talk about it and clear it up early. Often it can involve a misunderstanding or the friend didn't mean it or realize the effect on you,” Isaacs explains.
Perhaps if I had observed this advice, my friendship would have been saved. Unfortunately, things did not improve. As the months went on, my best friend and I increasingly withdrew from each other. We remained civil and friendly because we lived under the same roof, but it was apparent that our friendship was cooling off, and neither of us would address it.
“There's only so much time, and time spent in a negative friendship is time you could be spending on a more rewarding experience,” Isaacs adds. “In a marriage it's possible you might choose to stick it out for the sake of the children, but that doesn't apply in a friendship.”
Friendships take time and nurturing to thrive. When the individuals involved neglect the maintenance of the friendship it can begin to deteriorate, though another reason could be a change in one's character or direction in life. Either way, even the longest friendships tend to expire.
“As we get older, we have fewer friends and more acquaintances,” explains Debbie Mandel, author of Turn On Your Inner Light: Fitness for Body, Mind, and Soul . “Just because you have a history with someone, doesn't mean you need to keep on repeating it.”
If you find that at friendship is worth saving, it is important to have a dialogue to share with each other how you feel about the state of things. Tell her that certain behaviors bother you. Making her aware of the way she may be affecting you will make it easier for her to correct the behavior.
I decided that it was time to pull the plug on my toxic friendship. At the close of the school year, I chose to find an apartment elsewhere - it was the first time my best friend and I would not be living together in three years. I felt it would be in the best interest of us both to move our separate ways.
Then, one day, after thinking about every hurtful thing I had perceived she had done to me, I wrote her an angry letter unleashing all built up resentment. While at the time I thought I was finally doing the right thing for myself, I began to question my approach to resolving the issue.
My friend and I did not speak to each other for the entire summer, but I was beginning to miss our friendship. Once the school year began, I mustered up enough courage to call and asked if she wanted to give things another try. She was very reluctant but said she was willing.
Things are slowly progressing, but ultimately, I know that my angry letter hurt her. Perhaps if I had spoken to her about my frustrations instead of bottling them up, our friendship could have been salvaged.
Nonetheless, if you have decided that there is no other option but to end a friendship, there are different ways of doing so. But beware: none of these methods will make it easy. Some find things to turn out more positively by using the indirect approach: stop calling each other as often or make plans with other friends. This way, you can wean yourself physically and emotionally from the person; and if you decide to resume the friendship, hopefully things would not be as awkward.
However, if she does not seem to be getting the idea and is still actively pursuing a friendship, perhaps a more direct approach is in order. It may be best to tell her that while you still care for her, the friendship is becoming painful and draining and that you think it is best to move on separately. Now, of course, this is not something she probably would enjoy hearing from you, but it will allow you the chance to express your feelings.
Most of all, do what is best for you. Remember, a long history with a friend does not mean you should endure the negative energy it creates in your life. Sometimes we may have to leave certain things-and-people-behind in order to move forward and grow in life. There will be opportunities to meet new people and make new friends. While losing a friend is painful, it can be used as a learning experience.
Who knows? Maybe a few months or years down the line you and your friend can reconnect. But, in order to rebuild it into a nontoxic friendship, time and energy will have to be expended to keep things from going sour.
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