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Path to Enlightenment
Being Women and Finding Ourselves
By Linda A. Annan
The inability of women to discover their own uniqueness and individuality and be able to grow in that knowledge has lead to feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem and a distorted understanding of self worth. Many experts have tried to attribute this problem to a number of factors that may or may not be accurate. For example, if I were to ask, “What were some questions you asked yourself when you were a little girl?” I assume your answer may be somewhere along the lines of why you could not have a Barbie doll like the rest of your friends or maybe why you could not have cool clothes like all your other friends. Times seem to have changed however, for little girls, and their questions even though still superficial, have shifted to more troubling ones. Today some television talk shows are showcasing girls as young as five and six years old who claim to be watching their diet for fear of becoming “fat” when they grow older. One particular six year-old on a show felt less beautiful without make-up and fumed whenever her mother refused to let her wear it. After viewing this show, along with many others similar in content, a disturbing question began to plague my mind: At what level will the self-confidence and sense of self - worth of today's girl be by the time she turns 20? As distressing as it is to come to terms with the notion , many of these little girls are going to grow up with a sense of confidence and self-worth base d solely on what they look like on the outside and whose arm they will be on.
In a practical guide on relationships, Beverly Engel notes that it is difficult for a person to develop a sense of self as an individual unless she discovers who she is as a separate entity. She further asserts that adolescent girls for example, tend to be encouraged to focus on being attractive and accepted in addition to fitting in, while adolescent boys are egged on to pursue dreams or careers that hone their skills, to plan for the future and make significant choices along the way. All these things, she says, are perhaps the society' s way of training males to ask, “What are my needs and how can I fulfill them?” Based on the direction most adolescent girls were encouraged to take, which were usually the opposite of that of males, a typical question would most likely be “How do I satisfy the needs of those around me?” This is not a suggestion for women to be selfish; instead, it is imply ing that women look to their own needs and take steps toward discovering themselves. Could women possibly come to a more complete knowledge of who they are as unique individuals? I believe the answer to this is a yes. If they are raised in environments that encourage them to discover and cultivate their sense of self at young ages, not only will they exude confidence, but they will also be able to acknowledge their needs and to clearly communicate them to others.
It is said that men avoid conflict by participating in sports, throwing themselves in their careers or participating in other activities that usually help promote a sense of self. Women, on the other hand, most often look to interpersonal relationships for this same effect. Could this route possibly be the reason why many women view their relationships with far too much importance and risk being hurt and/or even losing themselves in the process? Should women be more achievement-driven like men to be able to develop this sense of self? One can argue that these attributes that seem to have become a “problem” are the same ones that make women beautiful unique creatures, and it would be nearly nonsensical to suggest that a woman cannot be interpersonally driven and still be able to find herself.
Needless to say, not every woman loves sports, and not every woman is as career-driven as some men, but women can still make constructive choices that will eventually lead them to self-discovery. No, this choice cannot be a man. As a matter of fact, this woman needs to discover herself before a man can be invited into her heart so that:
1) she will not burden him with her insecurities and uncertainties
2) so that the man she ends up with can truly get to know who she is as a unique individual and be able to love and accept her for who she is and
3) if the relationship falls apart, she will still be able to stand on her own two feet because she understands that her existence is n o t dependent on another person.
We cannot continue to live in a fantasy world and disregard our innermost desires to discover the woman within and be in tune with her. If we truly desire to be women of self- worth and confidence, we need to get back to the dry ground, dig out the seed, replant it in a better soil and water it consistently with a more constructive mind. Finding ourselves not only breaks the walls of self-doubt, it also creates room for healthier longer-lasting relationships.
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