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Mind Your own Business!
By Linda A. Annan
Your friend shares something with you and words run through your mind: “Wow, I learned something the other day that would be perfect to share now!” These internal dialogues mostly interrupt your listening ability because somehow what you have to say is more important— you could have sworn the person needed to hear it. After all, it is advice; it is wisdom, what sound words need be suppressed, you think to yourself. But do you take a moment to think, between the listening period and when you open your mouth, and ask yourself whether it is wise to share your unsolicited opinion?
We all have experienced moments with either close friends or acquaintances who shared something that made us itch to provide some “helpful” advice, as we generally choose to view it. If you are on the receiving end, this could not only be annoying and frustrating, but it ends up adding more weight to your present situation.
B.J. Gallagher, an expert workshop leader and fascinating keynote speaker once noted, “We need to allow people the dignity of their own choices.” As friends we like to help one another make sound decisions; but where do we women, who almost always have bottles of advice ready to spill over, draw the line?
Have you been the friend, or had a friend who could not seem to suppress the urgency to share her opinion about every situation? A woman who views her advice as wisdom but fails to see that her genuine intentions may not be needed by the receiver at that moment?
Stormie Omartian, in her book The Power of a Praying Woman touches on issues like these with advice for women, and she discusses some qualities of a wise woman of which I will mention three: the first is one who knows that timing is essential. Omartian stresses that expressing words to someone who may not be ready to hear them proves to be unsuccessful in sending a specific message. Instead, she encourages the use of discernment and says, “A wise woman shouldn't share every single thought that comes into her head.” This does not mean every advice we intend to share is irrelevant; it is only suggesting that we think through it first.
The second quality Omartian mentions is one who tells the truth when she speaks. It is one thing to speak the truth in love like Scripture encourages us to do, but it is another to do so, as Omartian puts it, “without wisdom and sensitivity.” She further goes on to say, “People don't want to hear every bit of truth about themselves every moment. It's too much for them. Sometimes it's better to say nothing and pray for God to show you when a person is ready to hear the truth.”
Place yourself under the other's circumstances and mull over how you would feel if you were in their position receiving such unwanted counsel.
The last quality Omartian notes is one who speaks with grace. If you muttered a “hmmmn,” then you are in this category. For those of us whose bluntness and brutally honest approach to answers or advice tend to send us to the wrong side of a listener's list, we need to learn to be gracious. This does not suggest or encourage dishonesty to spare another's feelings. It only implies that you try not to be “harsh, mean or offensive,” as Omartian describes it.
Everyone has been hurt by unsympathetic words at some point in their lives. We need to remember the effect of those same unkind words when we open our mouths to give honest advice.
As friends we feel responsible for each other's well-being, which is a wonderful perspective. But we cannot push our views down each other's throats. Loving each other as friends encompasses respecting one another's personal space and decisions. Sometimes we believe we have all the best answers because we know someone best, but sometimes your advice may not be needed and you would not only have to use discernment before approaching a situation, but also do it with respect and understanding.
Minding your own business is not about looking the other way when a person you love is going downhill, of course, you must intervene. But do so with deference and consideration of the other's feelings and state of mind at the moment.
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